11 Weird Things Guys Do When You Are Not Around But Will Never Admit To

Before I get started here, I should issue the

disclaimer that I’m not speaking for every man

on the face of the Earth. And the ones I am

speaking for? They’ll never admit to many of

these things anyway.

1. Get naked. When I’m the only one home, I’m

rarely clothed. In fact, I’m naked right now. My

pants come off when I walk through the door

after work, and if my roommate is out, I might

just get naked and sit in my office chair, feet

propped up on my bed while I read.

2. Spend a lot of time on the toilet. Because we take

our phone or tablet in there (my brother

sometimes takes his laptop) and get distracted.

An infinite amount of time can pass in the

restroom without your even noticing. I personally

like to spend this time doing my dating app due

diligence, in hopes I’ll meet my future life

partner and be able to tell our children that I

first laid eyes on mommy one lazy afternoon

while I perched on the can.

3. Watch porn. Sometimes, strange porn. You’ll

have something in mind when you’re going into

it, but sometimes we have a tendency to fall into

the adult entertainment rabbit hole and emerge

half an hour later vaguely unsettled by the weird

things we’ve seen out there.

4. Talk to our moms. About you! I like to talk with

my mom about women because she shoots it

straight and tells me when I’m being an asshole,

and she questions my stories when I put the girl

in the wrong. But she’s also always the first to

make me feel better when things take a turn for

the absolute worst.

5. Whiff our pits and other parts of our body,

including, occasionally, the taint. Don’t act like you

have no interest in or awareness of what your

crotchal region smells like.

6. Creep on ex-girlfriends. We want to know how

they’re doing, if they’re dating someone uglier

than we are, and how successful they’ve become.

We also desperately hope that they have become

less aesthetically appealing in some way.

Anyone with a Crush Can Probably Relate To. 

7. Eat really weird things. It borders on the verge of

disgusting. When other people aren’t around,

mayonnaise isn’t a condiment. It’s a way of life.

I’ve even mixed it in with Chinese food before

and found the results to be horrible for my body

and digestive system.

8. Have a good cry. For some reason, men have let

society lead them to believe that they should

keep the crying to a minimum. Which is bullshit,

but it is what it is. So if we’re gonna cry, we try

to keep it a private affair, usually. Just a few

nights ago, I finally watched the Parks and

Recreation series finale, which I had been putting

off until I had an opportunity for a Mevening because I knew I was going

to weep like a baby for the late Harris Wittels

and for the end of something I loved so much.

And I did.

9. Try out your cosmetic products. We get to

wondering why you spend so much on certain

things, and we yearn to try it. But we don’t want

you to know we’re doing so because, well, you

spent a lot of money on it and use it for

seemingly important reasons.

10. Sing out loud. To absurd music. Especially in the

shower, or while cooking, or engaging in any idle

activity. And to music you wouldn’t think we

particularly dig. I’ve recently been showering to

Carly Rae Jepsen and Vanessa Carlton, and I will

actually admit that this “The Songs To Go With

The Suds” playlist is improving not only my

showering, but my entire morning outlook on

life.

11. Miss you. Because we know that we only truly

enjoy the alone time because we have a great

counterpart to go with it.